Tonight, as the boys were getting their pajamas on, Ralph asked me if I knew why he had been crying today at school. Of course I knew because he had already told me once earlier today and Kimberly had explained the situation to me. The short of it is that he and another classmate had been playing inside a trash bag. The teacher called for them to get out of it and explained to them the danger of suffocating inside of it. “Not be able to breath” was the phrase she used I think. Well, Ralph took her words to mean that he had almost died. So, he began to cry.
Ralph talks a lot about dying and death. I speculate that something has affected him in such a way that at his young age he knows it’s coming and is afraid of it. So, tonight as he asked me once again if I knew why he was crying at school and rehearsed to me what happened, our conversation went like this:
“Ralph, are you afraid to die?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Why are you afraid to die?”
“Because, I don’t want to go live with Jesus. I just want to live with you.”
His response stunned me. I didn’t know what else to say. It ended there. I wish we could have talked more about it. Conversations with Ralph are like that. He will ask a very insightful question or say something that makes you dive into a conversation with him like he’s 8 or 10 years old. But, it’s not long before he’s distracted and you remember that he’s 4.
The truth is, I identified with him. Although I may confess and even feel at times that “to live is Christ and to die is gain”, I still hold too tightly to this life and relationships around me. Oh, I would never say I don’t want to go live with Jesus. But, hearing that come from Ralph was for me a glance in the mirror. A moment where my son, although he didn’t intend it, said out loud what my actions reflect when my heart is satisfied with the cisterns of convenience, comfort or entertainment.
Piercing. Eternity and earth sensitively joined. Many thanks.
At the other end of the earth-time spectrum the tension seems lessened but still real. The following well and finishing strong seesaw tips to the finishing strong now. But there is a holy restlessness. I pray for the honesty of your son.
Thank you John for your prayers. I agree. There is a holy restlessness.
After all Ralph has been through, it is no wonder that he is not ready for another change. He feels safe and secure and loved with you and Kimberly and that is where he wants to stay. As you say, he is only 4! As far as the other goes, I know you well enough to know that when the time comes, you will be ready and happy to go. Until then, you will continue to be faithful to do what your Heavenly Father has called you to do….until He calls you home!
Miss Debbie thank you so much for your encouraging words!
Hi,
That is so cute!
and I can totally relate to that feeling.
It was really good to see ya’ll at the hospital again, an honest long time no see!
-Oriana
Oriana it was great seeing your family as well!